Republicized!

Back in white, all white! Black is yesterdays news. Sometimes what you need is right in front of you and you must "just let your fears go...." so incredibly happy and comfortable with this amazing life that I am LIVING to the fullest! Here's to refusing to let anyone hold YOU back with THEIR own limitations.


Luv all who read this....miss many I have not seen in quite sometime.

The box in the basement

Was hiding me. The happy beautiful confident girl I used to be in so many memories captured in so many photos, how did I become this lost and broken women, why am I putting up with it and not demanding more? I must force myself to let go of all this if not for the women in me then the girl.

Next time around I'll build stronger walls

Let me destroy who you thought you were, and then I'll ask if we can be friends. As twisted as it is I know you only like me liking you. I know this because you'll never find a girl that can put up with you like I do; you'll never find a girl who cares as much as I do, and no one will waste all their love on someone like you, like I do. I feel I am sitting in a room filled with people that I love and they could careless. They don't care whether or not I live or die. To them I'm just another girl. To me, they are the only people I have left.

But I have been here more times then not......still that 6 year old girl sitting on the porch waiting for her father to pick her up and even though I knew he wasn't going to ever show, I still found myself shocked when he didn't.

balance

not letting anyone love you less then you love yourself

Remember Me

I read somewhere once that our fingerprints don't fade from the lives we touch....is that true for everyone or is that just poetic bullshit?

When the moment comes and you think I'm not nearly ready for this, remember tomorrow is never guaranteed.

cryogenically frozen

I don't want to get close it's to awkward, detached, and dispassionate so much so that I find it to hurt more then anything. I no longer recall what the fervor, the warmth, and the desire feels like for it has been ages since I have felt such blissfulness.....

for real or not for real.....that is the question

Same situation but different attitude or maybe reversed: "You are going to visit me, right?" hearing this was like confirmation that indeed I'm not crazy to want what others seem to have.

And yes, I'm the girl that stumbles and falls. I would hate to be the uptight perfectionist type, who has to think before she breathes.

ambivalent

I have no idea how to feel about all of this....sadness has been held at bay regarding what is about to occur, until this past Saturday when people began to ask questions, "are you going with," "are you sad". I cracked; you want to know then ask him because of course I'm sad but I'm sad that nothing was as it could have been. I've been here before and I chose to make sacrifices for someone I felt strongly for and I do not regret any of it. We are constantly making changes in our lives and choose to include those we truly care for so maybe I'm glad. Soon I will know without a shadow of doubt where I stand and how much if at all I mean to you.

stuck

the way it was, the way it is
i don't think much about it
i've tried too hard
to redefine the things in life i want
if you could live inside of me
i don't think you would like it
you're much to late to appreciate
all the things i have lost

i'm stuck in the heart of this
i know that in time
i'm the one you'll miss

and i don't give a damn what you think about me
the things i've said and done
i don't give a damn what you think about me
the things i have become

if i would bend i'd break in two
i'd rather feel unwanted
you're much too late to appreciate
everything i have become
i've found a better place
you can't come in
so get away

i'm stuck in the heart of this
i know that in time
i'm the one you'll miss

and i don't give a damn what you think about me
the things i've said and done
i don't give a damn what you think about me
the things i have become

- The Gufs

hurt

sometimes somethings are so hurtful that one cannot even explain and would much rather pretend that they never occured. There is a level of respect that is lacking and that was blatantly clear yesterday, I should no better for thinking otherwise. After all this time.....very disappointed.

feeling the cracks

You’re everything I thought you never were
And nothing like I thought you could’ve been
But still you live inside of me

You’re the only one I wish I could forget
The only one I’d love enough to not forgive
And though you break my heart, you’re the only one
And though there are times when I hate you
Cause I can’t erase
The times that you hurt me
And put tears on my face
And even now while I hate you
It pains me to say
I know I’ll be there at the end of the day

I don’t wanna be without you
I don’t want a broken heart
Don’t wanna take a breath with out you
But let me just say
I don’t want to love you in no kind of way
I don’t want a broken heart

No broken-hearted girl

all bets are off

surprise surprise: AGAIN once it's a sure thing apparently interests are no longer spiked, I've been there lived that mantality but only when I was busy growing up! I do not pity the fool who has not.

If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.

- Oscar Wilde

If you want to truly understand something, try to change it.

from time to time we must not forget to ask ourselves why....sometimes you may find that there is no reasoning behind your current circumstance except an emptiness that cannot be filled by only one. Change hurts for a reason the pain is a necessary part of our survival. What you have become is the price you paid to get what you used to want.

Blue and Green eyes

"We were great in bed. It was usually on the way to the bidet when the trouble began." - Ava Gardner regarding her relationship w/Frank Sinatra

who's your emergency contact?

Man loves little and often. Woman much and rarely.

Happiness can exist only in acceptance; the greatest happiness in life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves, or rather, loved in spite of ourselves....to really know someone is to have loved and hated them in turn.

Women love us for our defects. If we have enough of them, they will forgive us everything, even our gigantic intellects.

-Oscar Wilde

distance

eventhough your here your away....I do these things because I do not understand why....why you didn't stay away, why you can't be open and honest, and why I continually let myself get caught up when I know it's going to hurt.....hurt leads to bitterness, bitterness to anger, travel too far that road and the way is lost....I am lost.

Heartless

That's what you are.

And I am miserably home sick.

Inelastic vs Elastic

It's much easier to hide true feelings and thoughts when you know either way the end result is going to be painfully difficult.....but the end is already upon us now and in this battle there is no telling which contender will provail

when nothing makes sense

you look around only to see transparant self loathing indecent individuals and it's disgusting....where are all the decent caring genuine people who dont have hidden agendas? I feel entirely too much I take far too much to heart and as a result feel only hurt in the end. It appears the best path to take is the one that actually provides comfort when your travelling down it. I desire truth and substance and since I know where that can be found I bid this charade ado...

hope will never be reality......

no matter how much we may desire it to be so. Today I wanted nothing more then to go back in time and do everything differently but would any of it had made a difference? After a few questions and a discussion I think not so for this I am saddened for there is something there that I for one cannot extinguish. Some of the best stories aren't always the prettiest or straight forward and thus is life......it's at this moment that I understand how bad it hurts to lose something you never really had.

Never let anyone make you feel weak

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results". - Einsten

sex disguised as love, love disguised as sex

I've lost my faith. I can safely say that sex and love do not coexist. In the past 5 years or so it's been one or the other, I've had the opportunity to experience the most incredibly deep love with one and before and after that sex with more than one but the two never meet. I cannot compromise one for the other so if they don't ever coexist where does that leave me, what am I to do? My head is filled with such a disconnect. Then there are all these games we play with one another, "I want you but I don't but now I do" what happened to the purity, the straight forward I know or I don't. None of this well maybe someday, NO! It’s a feeling and one knows what that feeling is immediately because it's undeniable, there is no escaping its strong hold for it is LOVE! And as for sex well who knows anymore, I may never understand how it fits in if at all.

Hardest of Hearts

Florence & The Machine
____________________________
Lyrics....
____________________________

we don't care if it hurts or if we're holding too tight

outside observer

Originally posted on 2/14

We all must be true not only to ourselves but to those around us otherwise our credibility is null. You want to act aloof and closed off so be it, just be prepped for a life filled with nothing but meaningless selfish indulgence.

The moment I stopped trying to fit myself into someone elses life is the moment I woke up and began to consider how that someone may or may not fit into mine.

Character is the only real currency we have in this twisted messed up world so hopefully we take a long hard look in the mirror and ask ourselves: "is this who I want to see staring back at me."

Lyrics:

Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you now
You got someone to blame...

Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without
Well it's...

Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We're one, but we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again....

Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one
But we're not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again....

You ask me to enter
But then you make me crawl
And I can't be holding on
To what you got

When all you got is hurt....

------------------------------

Versant's cover of ABBA's S.O.S.

And if you've been living under a rock this is the amazing Carah Faye from STG's

once upon a time in community

Jeff about Britta: "she wants everyone to be honest but she lies to herself, she has more fights that don't matter then a youtube comment section, she's passionate which I find stupid but entertaining; the only reason there was attraction at first is because she bothered to play hard to get."

Abed's response: "irritating, impossible, unpredictable....your safe from change and passion."

deep people have deep meaning

How beautiful is this dance we call life.
on any scale, anywhere, anyhow
We try to exert dominion, but the grains of sand only squeeze through our fingers
Life pulsing, through veins, the ebb and flow of the tides.
Breathing, moving, existing
What is this mystery? Our few moments in the sun.
Dance any way you want, but the song is short.

I'm The Drunk and Your The Star

It all comes down.....To how you care.....To how you share....For what you say....For when you're there - New Buffalo

wishing gets us nowhere....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wYWv_NSBZQI

Listening also to: Lykke Li's - Window Blues

Life

Promising careers, marriage, houses, and babies.....this would describe almost everyone I know back home but none of these apply to me, what does that mean?....I'm scared. It would seem to the outsider looking in as being somewhat stuck, frozen in time.....the worst part is the aloneness of it all.

Blue

I don't want much just someone who knows what to say and do that lets me know that I'm truly loved and I'm not interested in the meaninglessness of this current existence........I wish I knew when the sun is going to finally shine through the clouds and brighten up this little life of mine cuz I feel like this thread that's holding me up is wearing thin and I could definitly use some support.

Give me substance

We all hurt each other unintentionally and at other times even intentionally but why? What happened to selflessness and the ability to put others first? I'm beginning to think that life jades each of us so after a fair amount of finishing last we give up or give in to life's negativity and selfishness hoping that this will get us ahead but ahead of what exactly? The person standing next to you? If that's the case what's the point of any one of us being here in the first place? I sincerely hope that life is more than getting ahead. I personally find that I feel better about my existence when I'm able to bond or help someone other than myself, in fact what this world conciders as getting ahead has really left me nothing meaningful to show for.

Blue is the color that she feels inside.....Matador, I can't hide my fear anymore....

Listening to: Sade's - Jezebel

karma

"And when she says she wants someone to love

I hope you know,

That she doesn't mean you

And when she breaks down and let's you down

I hope you know,

That she doesn't mean you"


I guess it's my time now to know what it feels like......and I'm so incredibly sorry

pardon my language

but as my father would say: "one can only be shit on so much then they reach that point where they say enough is enough and move on."

When you feel confident in yourself there is no need or reason to bring others down for your own personal gain.

we talk just like Lions but we sacrifice like Lambs

The questions have been answered for actions speak louder then words and those actions were loud and clear. Although it's a relief to know where one stands and much easier to move on.


Totally unrelated, I saw a Penske moving truck on the way to work this morning and felt reminiscent......

Listening to: Counting Crows - Round Here

chest pains

Sudden and sharp............hopefully the stress level will lower after this week and they will subside. The hardest thing now is walking to my front door, after 5am - 7pm non-stop work and school I come home to no one......I would love to cook but there is no one to eat it and I'm not one to cook for just me so it's as if I'm this robot, I go in and out of each day with nothing to look forward to..........I feel nothing but sadness.

Listening to: Radiohead - Subterranean Home Sick Alien

......

communication.....so there was alot more here originally but I'm trying to be a better person so it will remain deleted for now....highly stressed and almost gave in. I really need life to slow down a bit having trouble processing everything all at once.

The Ultimate Question

"Only a life lived for others is worth living" - Albert Einstein

Oh and the question is in the movie

Watching: Ghost Town

fix

how do I mend this broken heart? I don't want to feel this hurt anymore, it's as though my heart betrayed me and won't snap out of it. Is is possible to love the idea of someone or the way you wish the person you thought you loved was? I was made to feel that I wasn't good enough for you but I always knew and know now that I am more then good enough for love.....although I want nothing to do with the term and subject for that matter at the present moment.

Looking at: my broken window

call me antsy pants

Do I really want my 20's to be spent in Milwaukee when there is so much more out there....what if a place shapes you? I came here thinking it was about family and community but that's no where to be found and this place seems to simply be nothing but a drag but on the flip side I'm a runner I run away from everything so maybe it's best I stay to alter some sort of character flaw if that's what it is.

I'm burning for a HUGE change!!!!

Listening to: Lupe Fiasco - Streets On Fire

man's best friend

"Puppy" people are usually going to be more immature where as "dog" people are thus more mature, I personally am a "dog" person. Sure puppies are cute but they're a pain, they have accidents and they are still developing so they haven't yet evolved into that loving companion that we as man's best friend desire. Now "puppy" people like only the cuteness aspect and are perfectly willing to trade in their once cute companion as soon as it is full grown for another. Puppy people want only playtime, possibly teach a few tricks but only for show and tell purposes of course not to properly train the animal. There will most certainly be allowances for rule breaking due to the lack of adequate routine building and monitoring. "Dog" people will set schedules, reinforce rules, and give the puppy or dog a sense of security....but the most intriguing thing about these two types of people is the fact that the animal always knows and at the end of the day will go to the "dog" person who it trusts to love and care for it forever and always.

Listening to: King Khan & The Shrines - Welfare Bread

men of truth

A true man can grab a women's hand or place his palm on the small of her back and send both the shock of electricity and comforting sense of security to run through her entire body. He can kiss her causing her to feel faint but even a kiss is almost unnecessary because just being near him gives her the sense that nothing and no one can harm her....women need men to feel stronger it's not that they are not strong enough on their own in fact they can be stronger in almost every way, it's the simple fact that a female is to be protected just as fathers protect their daughter's. The entire world is set out to taint the female innocence, telling women that they will never be good enough for the men around them, until the moment when a man looks a women in the eyes like she is the only one he see's and all that sociological nonsense melts away in that one instant.

A true man is made up of courage, respect, and honor.....a woman recognizes these qualities and as a direct result without even realizing it will follow him to the ends of the earth...it's about the elimination of doubt even just for a moment to be with someone who is able to take on the responsibility of carrying your burdens with you.

Thus Cowards will never know the power of true men, although history books do provide them a glimpse.

Watching: Mad Men

People are people

Anger is certainly empowering....when anger takes it's hold I find that I shut everyone out and get hyper focused on life....right now I hate the past few years, they changed me and not for the better but most certainly for the worse. I definitely knew better then to let this happen, one silver lining is that I at least know why....meaning there is a lesson that was learned and part of that lesson is: things are indeed what they seem to be.

On a more positive note: today was a good day, not great but good. My confidence is flooding back and that fierce independence that I have always had is firing on all cylinders, how many that may be I have yet to discover.

Listening to: My Funny Valentine

Wed. August 26, 2009

It's not August 26th but it took til today to collect and formulate some sort of thought on what has occured....anger! I'm angry at myself, mostly because I knew better then to place myself in this situation....I saw this coming from the start. When everything inside of you screams don't do it, STOP!!! But I chose not to listen due to my fear of aloneness and now here I am miserable knowing that I stuck by someone for so long who didn't love me at all, in fact majority of the time treated me poorly as a result. The entire relationship is a mystery including him I have no idea who he is what he was always hiding and why....mind you I thought that from the begining, it's interesting to me that I entered this relationship and left with the same exact mysterious feeling toward him. I do wish that it would have ended differently and believe that it ended in this way because of lack of courage either to save or end it much sooner and there is much I'm sure I will never know.....with that being said it's relief to not have to worry any longer and I'm seeing me again. I do feel bad for both acting and projecting myself poorly while in this relationship but it was a projection of the inner battle between my head and heart that raged on almost daily. My final words to whomever reads this is simple: Don't lie about how you feel if you want out and know you don't love someone tell them, otherwise they will resent you incredibly for leading them on and wasting their time....

Listening to: Patsy Cline's Crazy